Ready to Set Sail

Like all good adventures, my journey through motherhood has been anything but linear.

It has its roots in the days and weeks of September and October 2005 when I discovered that I was pregnant with my first child - a son, who would come to be known as Buddha Bear. Things rose to a climax with his birth on May 1st, 2006, but instead of that moment being the start to a lifetime of many more adventures, it was actually the start of Buddha Bear's ending. I wouldn't find out until he was almost 4 months old, but my son suffered from a condition known as Type I Spinal Muscular Atrophy, and his body was slowly dying before he was even born. There is no treatment for SMA, and there were no promises on time. We learned to live life in the moment and to appreciate every moment that we had together, but even knowing that time was short and precious could never have prepared me for his death on October 3rd, 2006.

In that moment, my journey as a mother was over.

Time went on, and I embarked on other journeys in life without stopping to consider making another go at being a mom. And time continued on until I met a man who wasn't intimidated by the incredible amount of grief that I carry around with me, and he quickly became my first mate for all of life's adventures. It didn't take time for us to discuss the possibility of a family. We even took the precaution of having the genetic testing done to see if he was a carrier for SMA, but even with the relief of knowing that he wasn't a carrier, we weren't quite ready to change course. And time kept right on going...

And then it happened. The winds suddenly changed, and we were sailing toward parenthood. I was filled with joy and sorrow and trepidation that mingled with pregnancy hormones and made me a wreck for most of the 38 weeks that I incubated our little one. Could I love this baby the same way that I loved Buddha Bear? Was I ready to be a mom again? The answers, as it turned out, were irrelevant. No one is ever truly ready to be a parent, and I don't have to love her exactly the same way that I loved my son. I just have to love her.

On January 12th, 2012, the Hub & I welcomed Little Miss into our world, and it is my goal to teach her how to live life like the adventure it should be. This blog and everything that I write are a chronicle of my love for her and the adventures that we share.