A Walk in the Park

After 7 weeks & 6 days of recovering from a C-Section & unpredictable weather, I have been about to explode due to cabin fever. It's not that we've been cooped up in the house. In fact, we've gotten out quite a bit to run errands or visit family. We just haven't had the chance to have any really exciting adventures, and my goal on this warm & sunny day was to put an immediate end to that!

So, the Hubs & I loaded up Little Miss along with our 2 dogs and headed for the park. Yesterday was our girl's first stroll along the trails and her first glimpse at the playground.

It was actually a pretty special day for me, and not just because days off with the Hubs are so rare. Wana B Park is actually the park where Mom & Daddy used to take my brother & me to play. So, I have a lot of happy family memories about walking along the same trails and playing on ALMOST the same playgrounds that we did today.

There was one summer in particular when, Daddy & PapPap had taken us over to the park, and we were having a great time hunting for four leaf clovers by the pool and running around the playground. As was the norm in those days, there came a point where we wanted to play on the merry-go-round, our favorite part of the entire park. So, we of course begged for PapPap & Daddy to spin it for us. And they do, and we're hanging on for dear life, and Daddy & PapPap are pushing us faster than we have ever gone before.

 It was probably some of the most fun I ever had at that park... until I started to lose my grip. And even though I screamed for them to stop the merry-go-round, they either couldn't hear me over my brother or thought I was still screaming for joy. So, I tried my hardest to hold on, but I couldn't. I ended up flying off the dumb thing and bashing my head. I immediately devolved into tears and became rather inconsolable. It was my opinion, at the time, that the fine day we were having had just been ruined by an unsolicited skull whacking.

Now that I'm older, I realize that the day was special because of the time I spent with Daddy, PapPap & my brother, and it would have been just as special whether I had bashed my head or not. And now that I'm a mom, I would really prefer Little Miss to make her memories AND avoid blunt force trauma...

Ready to Set Sail

Like all good adventures, my journey through motherhood has been anything but linear.

It has its roots in the days and weeks of September and October 2005 when I discovered that I was pregnant with my first child - a son, who would come to be known as Buddha Bear. Things rose to a climax with his birth on May 1st, 2006, but instead of that moment being the start to a lifetime of many more adventures, it was actually the start of Buddha Bear's ending. I wouldn't find out until he was almost 4 months old, but my son suffered from a condition known as Type I Spinal Muscular Atrophy, and his body was slowly dying before he was even born. There is no treatment for SMA, and there were no promises on time. We learned to live life in the moment and to appreciate every moment that we had together, but even knowing that time was short and precious could never have prepared me for his death on October 3rd, 2006.

In that moment, my journey as a mother was over.

Time went on, and I embarked on other journeys in life without stopping to consider making another go at being a mom. And time continued on until I met a man who wasn't intimidated by the incredible amount of grief that I carry around with me, and he quickly became my first mate for all of life's adventures. It didn't take time for us to discuss the possibility of a family. We even took the precaution of having the genetic testing done to see if he was a carrier for SMA, but even with the relief of knowing that he wasn't a carrier, we weren't quite ready to change course. And time kept right on going...

And then it happened. The winds suddenly changed, and we were sailing toward parenthood. I was filled with joy and sorrow and trepidation that mingled with pregnancy hormones and made me a wreck for most of the 38 weeks that I incubated our little one. Could I love this baby the same way that I loved Buddha Bear? Was I ready to be a mom again? The answers, as it turned out, were irrelevant. No one is ever truly ready to be a parent, and I don't have to love her exactly the same way that I loved my son. I just have to love her.

On January 12th, 2012, the Hub & I welcomed Little Miss into our world, and it is my goal to teach her how to live life like the adventure it should be. This blog and everything that I write are a chronicle of my love for her and the adventures that we share.